Friday, June 7, 2019

The Five Stupidest Weapons of the Hill Cantons

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Hear ye, hear ye! For this month-only the Hill Cantons only semi-nomadic weaponsmithery, Zikmund and Sons, will be making its cutting-edge devices of things martial available in its silk-canopied booth in Revoca Town's Trhove. Come for the free kolaches, stay for the marvels of tools of harm both wondrous and jealousy-producing. Near complete satisfaction or your gold suns back*!

Lucernaštít (Lantern-Shield)
+1 AC and d4+1 damage, 140 gold. Right-handed nocturnal duelists, murderhole specialists, and compulsive self-lovers fear not, Zikmund and Sons has you covered. This state-of-the-arm steel buckler fitted with both external and internal lantern brackets allows you to be protected, illuminated, and weaponized all while keeping a free hand. But wait there is more, each shield comes with built-in dirk, steel gauntlet, and gratuitous buckler-spike allowing the wielder to make a single strike per round. With a mere 1 in 20 chance of a trifling left arm break on being struck (say if you want to quantify on a randomized 20-scale a 'natural 20') this is an essential must buy!

Lantern sold separately.

Spring Dagger
d4+1 damage, 70 gold. Get an edge on your enemies with this nasty surprise of a sticker. Simply press a button on the hilt and ho, you have three blades for one. Buy our special silver-plated model at a mere 210 gold for dealing with that stubborn lycanthrope or finanical advisor problem in your life.

+1 AC, d4-2 damage, 25 gold. Stay protected while you penetrate your enemies from up to 30 feet away. This amazing steel buckler combined with central holder/blowgun is available on clearance: buy one get another free. Zikmund and Sons is practically giving them away! (Inquiries regarding the addition of paralytic, lethal, and passive-aggressive poison applications should discreetly seek out the Guild of Slayers and Bloodletters in Marlinko).

D6 damage plus special, 75 gold. Designed for the discriminating footman, the Tabat-kopi (also referred to “the grabber” or “groper” by the vulgar of tongue) is an eight-foot polearm fitted with a razor-edged, grasping-hand mechanism that can dismount a man-sized foe a full 40 percent of the time. Afraid of being in the frontline? Soil your metal breeches not, this product allows you to strike from the second rank!

Tabat-Kopi, Giant
2,000 gold. Need something a little heaftier for your grabbing needs? We have it. The Tabat-Kopi now comes in a 50-foot-long model weighing a convenient single ton. Act now while supplies last.

*All Zikmund and Sons products are not available in Himyar, core provinces of the Overkingdom, or other realms overly valuing the rule of law. All refund guarantees include a modest restocking/reprocessing fee of 39 gold suns and an additional cantonal inspector-graft fee of 26.5 gold suns. Zikmund and Sons assumes no liability for the mangling of limbs in its products. Before using any Zikmund and Sons product, users should seek out the advice of masters of games for appropriate class restrictions. Dual-weapon-use prohibited while employing products except where permitted by ludic law.

1 comment:

  1. Love it. I wonder if a special all-electrum Grabby can be commissioned as a conduit for range:touch spells.

    But what happened, somebody swallowed the dart?