Friday, January 5, 2024

Sex-Crazed Falling Stars, Free Weather Magic, and Adventures: News of the Hill Cantons

Grandma Gaya, the Rav-Witch of High Kezmarok, seeks the stout of limb and humble of mind in the obtaining of fallen stars from an upcoming prophesied shower in the Field of Levic in Revoca Canton. Retrieval of said objects will fetch no less than 1500 gold suns a piece. Men of science, sages and savants know the objects called “shooting stars” by old wives to be in fact screeching, blazing celestial demons intent on sexual relations with recent widows and have issued a weather advisory for the coming weeks. Any suddenly emaciated women should be immediately treated by a white wizard. 

In other weather-related news Sadko, the renowned merchant-ministrel of Marlinko’s Mendacious Mercator contrada, is offering a two week course in hunch-weather cantrips and drudic enscorcellments. The first day is free, the second is merely 20 golds suns, and each day after is said to double in price. First day respondents born on a sunny day will be invited to learn and practice the Clear Skies ritual spell in which said lucky student will run through the moors naked shouting “be clear, be clear, like the day I was born.” Such an experience beyond the obvious lightening of mood on the first day is guaranteed a lifetime of magical prowess. 

The Zem-renowned great hostel Duke Mraz’s Folly, is seeking ruffians, hedge mages, procurement specialists and other so-called adventurers to clearing out the “Back of the House” of Tihomir’s Great and Evermore Abalienation, its satellite location on the Isle of Foosz. Applicants should be warned that Zdenko the Scarificator, hostel chain domo/manager, is “no casual tavern thug roustabout but is paying detail-oriented attention to the large walled off section in the “more secluded” regions of the large structure.  Advance payment will be made to the order of two pounds of hruz hruz (Duke Mraz’s premium hallucinogenic mollusk paste). 

Back in Marlinko, the newly-rebuilt Golden Counting House is back in business after a horrific and tragic fire that swept Svako’s Square in the Mendacious Mercator contrada three years ago. Usual night hours of service are naturally to be observed. 

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