Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Space Cantons News and Humor from the Kral

Tonight on Raving Foxoid News...
Kralian dissident and humorist Shmul Klemm has shuffled off his mortal coil. The author of the acclaimed political joke compilation The Loudspeaker Spoke Up and Said was found slumped over his holowriter yesterday dead in his Unterzone flat from an apparent self-inflicted icepick wound to the head. In Autokratic Kral, apparently, joke kills you.

In other news on Freedonia, a surprisingly turn in the perpetual stalemate that is that moon's civil war. The city-state of Pikkaro having gone 0-4-1 in recent battles has raised its white flag and been annexed by neighboring Pakha. Local observers say that the fractious nature of the Microbalkanizers League mean that its just a matter of time before Pikkaro reasserts itself as a polity.

FINESSE (the Federation of Industrial Needs Evolving into Economies of Scale Etc.), reputedly an astroturf lobby for Monglocorp, is calling for a “system-wide deregulation of mineral extraction rights of Novo Marlank's neighboring intrasystem bodies” citing inefficiencies in “business unfriendly local polities and other market rigidities.”
In Autokratic Kral, secrets keep you.
In homage to Klemm, some excerpts from The Loudspeaker Spoke Up and Said:
Four dogoids -- Mongloite, Kanusian, Xite, Kralian -- are discussing their lives. The Mongloite dogoid says, "the robo-servants used to leave meat out for me, but now I have to bark for it." The Kanusian dogoid says, "you have robo-servants on Monglo?" The Xite dogoid says, "they feed you meat?" The Kralian dogoid says, "they let you bark?"

Guard asks Kralian political prisoner, "what's your sentence?"
"Ten years," he answers. "But I did nothing."
"Liar," says guard. "For nothing Autokrator only give five years."

Citizen Yvan applied to the Vibes Committee militia. The Kral City chairman conducts interview.
"Comrade Yvan, do you smoke e-cigarettes?"
"Yes, I do a little."
"Do you know that Autokrater does not smoke and advises others not to smoke?"
"If Autokrater said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you drink?"
"Yes, a little."
"Autokrater strongly condemns drunkenness."
"Then I shall cease drinking."
"Citizen Yvan, what about women?"
"A little...."
"Do you know that Autokrater strongly condemns amoral behavior?"
"If Autokrater condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Citizen Yvan, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Kral?"
"Of course. Who needs such life?"