Ten Friggin Hill Cantons Wizards

 

10 Wizards of the Hill Cantons

#	Name	Description
1	Magister Dobromil the Cauterizer	Specializes in magical “cleaning” of reality leaks. Wears four layers of waxed robes and insists all visitors wash their souls before entry. The air around him crackles with sterilized regret.
2	Varja of the Missing Spine	Lithe, flexible, and disturbingly serpentine. Her spinal column was traded for divinatory power. She reads the future in spilled tea, broken shoes, or bird-vomit.
3	Old Master Šefl	Once ruled a petty hilltop canton via owl-based spellcraft. Now mostly senile, though still accidentally casts spells when startled. Keeps an entire aviary of sarcastic owls.
4	Ezvérin the Theoretical	Has never cast a spell in his life. Holds seven academic posts, all self-declared. Writes constantly about imaginary schools of magic. May be the most dangerous man alive if proven right.
5	Alzběta the Rinderpest	Her spells all involve contagion, rot, and beautiful skin. Always impeccably dressed and smells like roses and fever. Keeps a cadre of plague-dabblers on retainer.
6	Seňor Kuzma of the Whispering Socket	Wears a massive bronze headpiece over a cursed third ear that receives whispers from unknown planes. Claims his left kneecap is a portal seal. Accepts payment only in antique teeth.
7	Jarka the Inverted	Lives upside-down in a gravity-shifted dome. All her spells are reversals. Speaks backwards when angry. Collects regrets in glass jars.
8	Doctor Radislav Prst	Medical thaumaturge and reluctant necromancer. Believes in “ethically recycled souls.” Offers reanimation for emotional closure.
9	Petty Thaumaturge Sima the Keen	Specializes in extremely minor magics: reheating tea, untangling strings, smoothing mustaches. Surprisingly powerful due to sheer obsessive mastery. Runs a competitive spell-dueling league for petty magicians.
10	Thrice-Woven Halyna	Exists simultaneously in three separate locations at once, usually misaligned. May respond to questions you haven’t asked yet. Appears cloaked in shimmering, shifting timelines. Collects forgotten birthdays and misplaced intentions.

Ten Marlinko Townies To Annoy Your Party With

#	Name	Description
1	Mother Feketa	Mummified, animate matriarch who rules her tenement block from a tub of heated mud. Gives quests in exchange for gossip and scented soaps.
2	Pan Jaroslav the Blue	A melancholic duelist who fights only on Tuesdays. Claims to be 132 years old. Lives in a roofless manse.
3	Radu of the Clock-Spine	Hunchbacked watchmaker with a literal mechanical spine. Can rewind time 3 seconds—but only once a week.
4	Cousin Ondrej the Not Shark	Local loudmouth and self-proclaimed revolutionary. Knows every secret, none of them true. Smells like fish.
5	Auntie Lujza	Retired god-botherer. Still receives faint signals from long-dead deities. Collects divine offal.
6	Velko "the Slightly Transparent"	Permanently half-phased into the ether. Mostly helpful, sometimes screams with voices not his own.
7	Tatka and Patka	Siamese-twin tax assessors. One is lawful evil, the other deeply chaotic good.
8	Father Svoboda	Defrocked priest of the Sun Lord. Drinks heavily. Carries sacred honey cakes.
9	Anka the Sighing Widow	All five of her husbands died in tragic, yet somehow hilarious ways. Her tears summon minor spirits of pathos.
10	Bohumil the Devourer	Town bureaucrat with a vast appetite for paperwork. Secretly a minor demon of municipal efficiency.

Ten New Hill Cantons Hirelings

 

Hirelings & Henchfolk

d10	Name	Role	Notes
1	Oldrik the Rope-Whisperer	Porter	Speaks to rope as if it were alive. Demands polite treatment of all gear.
2	Sveta of the Stiff Back	Torchbearer	Painfully upright. Immune to fear effects unless slouched.
3	Jaromil the Pink	Linkboy	Wears only a specific shade of pink; insists it's a ward against “mind-grubs.” Is probably right.
4	Tóno of the Bended Knee	Devoted Squire	Offers loud and long prayers before each fight. Terrified of horses.
5	Zsuzsa the Belligerent	Spear-carrier	Will fight anything, including bad ideas.
6	Grygyr the Sniffer	Trap-Finder	Claims he can smell mechanisms. Never wrong—though falls into unconsciousness whenever he does.
7	Milada the Lumpen	General Dogsbody	Silent, massive, and smokes dried mushroom stalks. Might be a golem.
8	Klobása Janek	Camp Cook	Carries nine types of sausage. Has a provider side deal with meat-demons.
9	Kvetka of the Red Teeth	Scout	Friendly smile, filed red-painted teeth. Nice guy really.
10	Dragan the Professional	Mercenary	Comes with his own pension plan, meticulously itemized rates, and tabulated morale table.

Oiorpata and Battle Barge Contest

[This being the players handout for an adventure I have been cooking for my weekly Hill Cantons home game.]
Oiorpata, Isle of the Western Amazons
Dedicated to Michael Shea 
“Beyond the steamy wetland glades, where moss-stained helots harvest blood-pearls from the polyps of the Mire-Dells, there rises the amber spire of the Palace of Many Lashes. There reigns Her Supreme Rubenesqueness, Hisfytla, Vy-Queen of the Oiorpatans, whose every morning begins with a piercing contest and ends in song, wine, and selective laceration.”
—Drimkin Polvault, Court-Certified Fool of the Overkingdom
The Hook
Hisfytla the newly-crowned queen of the Amazons (western branch) is holding a lavish contest in which outlanders are invited to captain large combat barges “long-term leased” from the Eld in a battle of wits and valor. Qualified contestants will be supplied with a barge and crew of male-helots. The winners are promised a 2,500 silver “balsaccs” (extremely-large Amazonian coins worth five of your masculine tainted gold pieces ) and magical accouterments worthy of your ranked status. Male-presenting losers will be granted special lifetime entry-level positions in the Regal Torture-Harem. 
Long live the Vy-Queen!

On Amazons
Zem, the turtle-borne world of the Hill Cantons, bears not one but two great nations of what are ham-fistedly called “Amazons” by the weak of imagination. 
Both tribes claim a common founding (and likely apocryphal) figure the great Queen Dwar Kin and a similar martial and matriarchal bent to their cultural ethos, and despite their differences in psycho-geography and language, they exhibit a rather remarkably consistent culture.
Those that concern us,  the Western branch, dwell in Oiorpata, that distant and exotic isle near the resting point of the Sun Lord's daily ride. They are a fine, strong-boned, if verbally assertive race noted for their love of high-crested, baroque helmets, polished armor, and knitting circles. World famous is their biennial Ebon Festival of the Pearls, a soiree that marks both the climax of the black pearl harvest from the swamp-polyps and the victory of that muscle-bounded race of maidens against the invading forces of the Overkingdom in the Twicefold Battle of Vague Suggestiveness, now some 112 years ago. It is said that the high-point of the festivities is the public bathing and drinking by their much-feared, rubenesque queen of the blood of 12 male lovers.

Geography
Location: Western rim of the World-Turtle Zem, near the Sun Lord’s nightly plunge.
Biome: Temperate rainforests, massive fern-glades, sulfurous wetlands, mist-wrapped escarpments.
Mainland Access: Rare trade barges and magical leasing contracts with the Eld.
Notable Locales
Population
Amazons (Oiorpatan): roughly 4,000 population
Strong-boned, loud-voiced, and fond of layered, plumed armor. Matrilineal society with complex caste-rankings based on athletic victories, poetic output, and prisoner-lashing statistics.
Helots (Male Slaves): roughly 6,000 population
Used for manual and service labor, rowed combat barges, and involuntary participation in interpretive theatre.

Culture and Society
Martial Customs: All Oiorpatan females are trained from youth in hurled and thrown weapons. The pilum, atlatl, and razor-boomerang are national obsessions.
+1 to hit and +30 ft range with hurled weapons.
+1 melee damage with spears.
Courtship Rituals: Often involve ritualized games of capture-the-helot, followed by hot baths and a recitation of one’s martial pedigree.
The Ebon Festival of the Pearls: Held every two years during black pearl harvest season.

Main Locales

Name	Description
The Sweltering Mire-Dells	Swampy lowlands where muscular, short-lived helots harvest black pearls from semi-sentient polyps.
The Spire of Many Lashes	Central palace of Queen Hisfytla. Equal parts throne hall, dueling ground, and musical amphitheater.
The Erolus Helm-Spires	Towering basalt cliffs with warrior monasteries carved into their faces. Pilum-throwing is practiced here by launching spears at passing birds.
Port Cryzalune	Half-sunken, obsidian-docked port where Eld-crafted barges are docked and loitering mercenaries eye their fate nervously.
The Moistwood	Temperate rainforest thick with ghost-ferns, carnivorous orchids, and shrieking fungal motes. Avoid the pink-tongued cypresses.

• 
  

• Knitting Circles: Despite their aggressive militarism, Amazons are fond of communal knitting.
  
  

Current Events: The Contest of the Barges

Queen Hisfytla, newly-crowned after a 37-hour ritual wrestling match in a mud pit shaped like a unicorn, has declared an open challenge to all outlanders:

“Let it be known that the Contest of the Barges shall begin when the Blood-Moon rises above the Braided Swamp! Any brave enough to test their brawn, brains, and helot-management skills may win silver balsaccs and enchanted prizes! Losers will receive consolation accommodations in the Regal Torture-Harem (entry-level tier). Long live the Vy-Queen!”

Rules of the Contest

All contest entrants are granted:

1. A fully crewed barge, leased from the mysterious Eld Shipwrights (who are oddly hands-off about returns).

2. 60 Helot Crewmen, armed with atlatls, paddles, and deeply demoralized attitudes.

3. Two strange animals of uncertain use (e.g., a gliding spider-lamb, a prophetic frog with a stutter, etc).
   
   

The contest involves navigating a course through:

• The Barbed Canal, full of snapping lilies and spikey traps.
  
  

• The Fog-Crypts of Tuyzzl, a haunted lagoon where the water whispers back.
  
  

• The Feathered Arena, an open water coliseum where barge-to-barge combat is performed before a panel of Amazonian judges and sycophantic foreign poets.
  
  

Fabulous prizes to be awarded to the winners:

• 1st Place: 2,500 balsaccs (five times the value of gp, a nominal total of 10,000), enchanted accoutrements, and an honorary sash in the Queen’s own hue (Pantone: Blooded Rose 119).

• Other Finishers: Potential for courtship, minor court roles, or rigorous flogging internships.