Oiorpata and Battle Barge Contest

[This being the players handout for an adventure I have been cooking for my weekly Hill Cantons home game.]
Oiorpata, Isle of the Western Amazons
Dedicated to Michael Shea 
“Beyond the steamy wetland glades, where moss-stained helots harvest blood-pearls from the polyps of the Mire-Dells, there rises the amber spire of the Palace of Many Lashes. There reigns Her Supreme Rubenesqueness, Hisfytla, Vy-Queen of the Oiorpatans, whose every morning begins with a piercing contest and ends in song, wine, and selective laceration.”
—Drimkin Polvault, Court-Certified Fool of the Overkingdom
The Hook
Hisfytla the newly-crowned queen of the Amazons (western branch) is holding a lavish contest in which outlanders are invited to captain large combat barges “long-term leased” from the Eld in a battle of wits and valor. Qualified contestants will be supplied with a barge and crew of male-helots. The winners are promised a 2,500 silver “balsaccs” (extremely-large Amazonian coins worth five of your masculine tainted gold pieces ) and magical accouterments worthy of your ranked status. Male-presenting losers will be granted special lifetime entry-level positions in the Regal Torture-Harem. 
Long live the Vy-Queen!

On Amazons
Zem, the turtle-borne world of the Hill Cantons, bears not one but two great nations of what are ham-fistedly called “Amazons” by the weak of imagination. 
Both tribes claim a common founding (and likely apocryphal) figure the great Queen Dwar Kin and a similar martial and matriarchal bent to their cultural ethos, and despite their differences in psycho-geography and language, they exhibit a rather remarkably consistent culture.
Those that concern us,  the Western branch, dwell in Oiorpata, that distant and exotic isle near the resting point of the Sun Lord's daily ride. They are a fine, strong-boned, if verbally assertive race noted for their love of high-crested, baroque helmets, polished armor, and knitting circles. World famous is their biennial Ebon Festival of the Pearls, a soiree that marks both the climax of the black pearl harvest from the swamp-polyps and the victory of that muscle-bounded race of maidens against the invading forces of the Overkingdom in the Twicefold Battle of Vague Suggestiveness, now some 112 years ago. It is said that the high-point of the festivities is the public bathing and drinking by their much-feared, rubenesque queen of the blood of 12 male lovers.

Geography
Location: Western rim of the World-Turtle Zem, near the Sun Lord’s nightly plunge.
Biome: Temperate rainforests, massive fern-glades, sulfurous wetlands, mist-wrapped escarpments.
Mainland Access: Rare trade barges and magical leasing contracts with the Eld.
Notable Locales
Population
Amazons (Oiorpatan): roughly 4,000 population
Strong-boned, loud-voiced, and fond of layered, plumed armor. Matrilineal society with complex caste-rankings based on athletic victories, poetic output, and prisoner-lashing statistics.
Helots (Male Slaves): roughly 6,000 population
Used for manual and service labor, rowed combat barges, and involuntary participation in interpretive theatre.

Culture and Society
Martial Customs: All Oiorpatan females are trained from youth in hurled and thrown weapons. The pilum, atlatl, and razor-boomerang are national obsessions.
+1 to hit and +30 ft range with hurled weapons.
+1 melee damage with spears.
Courtship Rituals: Often involve ritualized games of capture-the-helot, followed by hot baths and a recitation of one’s martial pedigree.
The Ebon Festival of the Pearls: Held every two years during black pearl harvest season.

Main Locales

Name	Description
The Sweltering Mire-Dells	Swampy lowlands where muscular, short-lived helots harvest black pearls from semi-sentient polyps.
The Spire of Many Lashes	Central palace of Queen Hisfytla. Equal parts throne hall, dueling ground, and musical amphitheater.
The Erolus Helm-Spires	Towering basalt cliffs with warrior monasteries carved into their faces. Pilum-throwing is practiced here by launching spears at passing birds.
Port Cryzalune	Half-sunken, obsidian-docked port where Eld-crafted barges are docked and loitering mercenaries eye their fate nervously.
The Moistwood	Temperate rainforest thick with ghost-ferns, carnivorous orchids, and shrieking fungal motes. Avoid the pink-tongued cypresses.

• 
  

• Knitting Circles: Despite their aggressive militarism, Amazons are fond of communal knitting.
  
  

Current Events: The Contest of the Barges

Queen Hisfytla, newly-crowned after a 37-hour ritual wrestling match in a mud pit shaped like a unicorn, has declared an open challenge to all outlanders:

“Let it be known that the Contest of the Barges shall begin when the Blood-Moon rises above the Braided Swamp! Any brave enough to test their brawn, brains, and helot-management skills may win silver balsaccs and enchanted prizes! Losers will receive consolation accommodations in the Regal Torture-Harem (entry-level tier). Long live the Vy-Queen!”

Rules of the Contest

All contest entrants are granted:

1. A fully crewed barge, leased from the mysterious Eld Shipwrights (who are oddly hands-off about returns).

2. 60 Helot Crewmen, armed with atlatls, paddles, and deeply demoralized attitudes.

3. Two strange animals of uncertain use (e.g., a gliding spider-lamb, a prophetic frog with a stutter, etc).
   
   

The contest involves navigating a course through:

• The Barbed Canal, full of snapping lilies and spikey traps.
  
  

• The Fog-Crypts of Tuyzzl, a haunted lagoon where the water whispers back.
  
  

• The Feathered Arena, an open water coliseum where barge-to-barge combat is performed before a panel of Amazonian judges and sycophantic foreign poets.
  
  

Fabulous prizes to be awarded to the winners:

• 1st Place: 2,500 balsaccs (five times the value of gp, a nominal total of 10,000), enchanted accoutrements, and an honorary sash in the Queen’s own hue (Pantone: Blooded Rose 119).

• Other Finishers: Potential for courtship, minor court roles, or rigorous flogging internships.

So so very many updates about the Hill Cantons

 

I have been busy, busy in both real world and Hill Cantons-y writing. An update on where things are:

Slumbering Ursine Dunes Omnibus

This has been in my serenity prayer zone. Do you remember when you used to download things from Windows and the blue bar would get stuck at 98 percent for hours? Yeah it’s like that and basically that last bit is the last revisions on layout and getting it print ready. 

Kezmarok Novella

My first novella The Cerulean Vaults continues to take shape, with new scenes like ritual duels, dreamlike interludes, and intrigue-laden dinner parties. The draft manuscript (19,000 words) is actually done and in revisions of uncertain magnitude. The novella expands the ruined metropolis of Kezmarok layering in its surreal politics, decaying manses, and hostel-based social life. It might be a POS or it might be good, I can’t tell. 

The Great Aviary Upper Works and Dungeon
The Great Aviary is now fully keyed across 42 rooms both the topside great domes Aviary and first level of the dungeon, from the great glass dome and vertical museum to the portal mural that opens into a pocket dimension. Maps in multiple styles and zine-format drafts are bringing it into playable, publishable shape. And lots and lots of weird birds. 

The Underbridge
Hidden in the foundation stone of a bridge just outside Marlinko are strange vaults. A 12-room Hyperborean hall of ancient murals and horrible levitating tombs. A done short mini-dungeon. 

Oiorpata and the War-Barge Contest
I have about 3000 words on an adventure. The western Amazon island of Oiorpata is detailed with its society of warrior women, helot crews, and the lavish Contest of the Barges. Rival teams, magical barge designs, scorecards, and Queen Hisfytla’s court make it a fully playable centerpiece.

Lady Nardja’s Manse
I have roughly 2000 words also on Lady Nardja’s manse out in the Marlinko Cantons backwoods, its velvet-draped master bedchamber and husbands’ hall of locked rooms still whispering of aristocratic excess. Polyandry as adventure site. 

Temple of Habeka
The temple of Habeka the Celestial Lady stands in ruin, its eight chambers echoing with the disputes of her bandit-rebels and rival lodges—the Evening Star, Morning Star, and Starry Void. Adventurers find both divine relics and dangerous zealots within, caught between her chained star-myth and blood-rain vengeance.

NPCs and Shit
Wizardry in the Cantons now has factional depth with groups like the Invisible College, alongside a roster of named wizards with dual OSE/5e stat blocks. I’ve also written a number of top ten colorful NPC rosters for hirelings, prisons, wildernesses, hostels, and bathhouses. You’ve seen some of these. 

Ten Randos You'd Meet in the Wilds of Marlinko Canton

Can't stop, won't stop. More NPC free-association. Undoubtedly to be recycled soon in a product near you. 

#	Name	Description
1	Vyshemir the Bark-Cloaked	A grim-faced exile draped in stitched birch bark and vole pelts. Survives off fermented lichens and bone tea. Claims to remember the forest before it grew. Might be centuries old.
2	Klara Vrzalová, Witch of the Third Tree	Laughs like falling pinecones. Lives in a mossy stone chair by a grove of silver-furred trees. Will trade charms, potions, or secrets for awkward personal confessions.
3	Pan Drogomil of the Hollow Helm	Rusted-out Nemec reiter touring the old border forts. Helmet permanently fused shut; speaks only through taps and groans.
4	Ján “the Dung-Sifter”	Lives atop a stilt-hut over a reeking bog. Tracks monsters by analyzing droppings. Cheerful and disgusting. Offers insightful monster lore with accompanying samples.
5	The Mulberry Sisters	Three masked women in embroidered shawls who travel the forest paths in quiet song. Offer aid, murder ballads, or hexes depending on your bearing. Possibly nymph spirits. Possibly just bored old spinsters.
6	Hrabal the Cucked	Feral poet and part-time bandit with antlers tied to his brow. Recites dream-epics at knife point. Carries a scroll of prophecy he claims he found in a bear’s stomach.
7	Granda Gura	Elderly shepherdess with 33 goats and a dog named Politics. The goats speak in unison when the moons align. Gura pretends she doesn’t notice.
8	Zali the Wind-Catcher	Thin and sunburnt woman who communes with the wind spirits atop the bluffs. Can forecast weather or deliver messages on the breeze. Might be possessed. Might like it that way.
9	Blazh the Deeply Untethered	Semi-nude mystic who floats six inches off the ground. Travels in unpredictable zig-zags. Occasionally offers cryptic advice in verse, then vomits blue flaming bile.
10	Toma and his Two-Headed Boar	Wandering swineherd with a cursed, intelligent two-headed boar named Clever-Crass. Claims to be tracking the "Invisible Hogs of the Latter State Hyperborean Age." The boar will correct his grammar.

Ten People You Would "Meet" in a Marlinko Bathhouse

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The Ten People You Would Meet in a Hill Cantons Prison

 Hello remember me, people? 

Insert the usual round of excuses about life, work, the difficulties of this period, etc. But hey I am writing again and finished writing up Revoca's Great Aviary--you know six years later--and in typical neuro-diverse way three other adventure sites that I have been running the family unit through (oh yes weekly Hill Cantons game has been a joy again). 

But hey just for chuckles here is a snippet of new content. 

10 NPCs Found in a Hill Cantons Prison

	Name	Description
1	Hort Kvášek, Also Known as the Blood-Pigeon	Former contrada mocker turned prison fixer. Smuggles messages via trained hissing roaches. Speaks only in rhyming prison slang and never explains it.
2	Lazlo of the Scabrous Tongue	Mountebank sentenced for impersonating an archpriest in a municipally unsanctioned long con. Claims he was mostly accurate. Offers unsolicited life advice and fake blessings.
3	Velmira of the Burning Fan	Political prisoner and leader of the banned Society of the Resplendent Breeze. Composes inflammatory poetry using lice ink and parchment made from fingernails. Charismatic and deadly serious.
4	Brother Hromek	Feral ex-monk of a Sunlord brotherhood imprisoned for illegal thaumaturgical animal baptisms. Whispers theological riddles in his sleep. Attracts rats.
5	Tereza "the Window"	Obsessed with escape. Has not succeeded, but has memorized every stone, guard schedule, and dream-port in the wing. Claims her nose can smell “structural weaknesses.”
6	Zeno of the Twelve Names	Believes he’s been 12 different people throughout his sentence. Each day, he is someone new—today, a minor fey noble; tomorrow, a retired sausage inspector. Surprisingly consistent combat skills.
7	Gül the Scarred	Stoic mercenary sentenced for refusing to pay a ransom fee. Keeps to himself unless offered a game of knucklebones or a decent philosophical debate. Covered in ceremonial dueling scars.
8	The Bogtrotter	Mysterious figure from the marshlands. Wears a mask made of stitched cattails and claims to be unjustly imprisoned for “swamp-related matters.” Might be a literal swamp spirit.
9	Old Jarka	Elderly matron jailed for punching a visiting satrap in the groin during a harvest parade. Claims to have no regrets. Fiercely respected among inmates and the prison kitchen staff.
10	Urosh the Complainer	Chronic kvetch and long-term inmate. No one remembers what he was originally jailed for. May in fact be the prison’s soul-bound spirit or simply very annoying. Hums obscure protest songs.