Alternative D&D Next Covers Released

Great peacemaker that I am, I have drawn some alternative DIY aesthetic covers for the new D&D Next. Feel free to photocopy them and duct tape them over the hardcover originals if they offend thee. Sadly I ran out of paper and lunch break time before I could finish the new DMG.(Kickstarter?)

On the Topic of International Write Like Gary Gygax Day

There is no reminder in this post that it is International Write Like Gary Gygax Day today. 

That is because the inclusion of such a reminder will either tell you little, Gentle Reader, or it will abridge your freedom with respect to development of your own blog milieu. There are dozens of possible blog posts, each of which will have varying puissance, mutability, or verisimilitude. That is, if such a reminder tells you only a little so as not to force a writing choice upon your blog, the reminder can contain nothing of use.

While this blog is loosely based on Hussite-era Bohemian history and myth, it also contains elements from the Holmesian Kitchen Sink period, parts of my suppressed Id, and the smythos of many other authors as well. Within its boundaries all sorts of posts can exist, and there is nothing to dictate that their needs be Gygaxian. In GAWKER there appeared an article written by me which outlines this very precept and lists a number of posts which can be employed by the blogger in his or her milieu. To aid the harassed blogger, I have listed these types of posts again.

AUTOCRACY. Blog posting which rests in a self-derived and inflated sense of authority about pretending to be an elf in a game in the basement.

GERIATOCRACY. Blog posting ruled by an age-befogged sense of generational entitlement.

And so forth...

(In all seriousness, one thing my recent reread of the DMG has rekindled is my appreciation for the quirky charm of his writing style. It's just not D&D without it.)

Fear of a Black Hobbit

There's very short list of things that will make me drag my ass out of bed at 4:30 am—a chance to play in Jeff Rient's Caves of Myrddin just so happens to be one of them. That said as I booted up the computer and fumbled for my coffee mug in the wee hours this morning, I kept repeating to myself “what madness is this?”

It was a sentiment that only grew as the game when on.

We had one of Zak's infamous dogs gaining intelligence through magical thrones and going on about the delights of stinky cheese and defecation (really this entire post may exist just to lead you to click here). We had us rattling chains and making hooting ghost noises to scare off the rival NPC party. We had a disintegration bow blasting a hole through the dungeon only to reveal the outer wall of a thatched cottage in a secret valley—in the dungeon—in a green-lightening filled other dimension. (A 500 exp. bonus under the exploration wonders house rules.)

We weren't in Wessex anymore, Dorothy.

And of course what would be a Google+ game with me if I didn't have random, hyper-disruptive technical problems. The connection completely pooped out for a spell and then my mike made me sound like I was speaking through cardboard according to Jeremy the Younger.

Ten minutes later  it cut out altogether for half an hour and forced me to recast my oily, Chaos-lining Provencal--all halflings are Francophones by executive writ of Jeff—hobbit as a mime. (And yes I did the rope pulling thing, the hands on the invisible window routine and more on my webcam). Though he may wear the maligned white face, a badge of ceremonial honor in the hobbit kivas of the Côte d'Azur, the Black Ratter weathered it all.

In short, it was one of best sessions I have had the chance to play in since jumping back in this hobby. If you are still sitting on the fence about joining any number of the rollicking Google+ games being run, think about unsitting--you may be missing a heap of great gaming.  

Cosmic Secrets of the Hill Cantons Revealed

This will only make sense if you have read yesterday's post about campaign artifacts—and even then it may be a stretch. 

As always you must click to receive the embiggenation. 

Old School Module Name Generator

Taking note of Mythmere's observation about the sudden appearance of a wave of redundant sounding published adventures, I was inspired to offer this modest contribution to help speed up the OSR production process.

Naming Convention Chart

All names should be preceded by a random or chosen series of two capital letters and a number in sequence, such as “OG1”.

Roll d10

1	“Search for the” + [Place Chart] “of” + [Adjective Chart] +[Being Chart]
2	“In Search of” + [Place Chart] “of” + [Animal Chart] + [Being Chart]
3	“Journey to” + [Place Chart] “of” + [Adjective Chart] +[Being Chart]
4	“Journey to” + [Place Chart] “of” + [Animal Chart] + [Being Chart]
5	“Against the” + [Adjective Chart] +[Being Chart]
6	“Against the” + [Animal Chart] + [Being Chart]
7-8	[Place Chart] “ of the” + [Adjective Chart] +[Being Chart]
9-10	[Place Chart] “ of the” + [Animal Chart] +[Being Chart]

Adjective List

Roll d12

1	Deep
2	Dark
3	Ice
4	Fire
5	Unknown or Forgotten
6	Lost
7	Eldritch or Elder
8	Mad or Insane
9	Stone
10	Skull or Bone
11	Sinister
12	Color of your Choice

Place Chart

Roll d12

1	Hall or
2	Tower or Castle
3	Tomb
4	Temple
5	Fane
6	Valley
7	City
8	Undercity
9	Island or Isle
10	Mountain
11	Hill
12	Maze

Being Chart

Roll d12

1	Master
2	Lord
3	Queen
4	Princess
5	King
6	Dragon
7	Mage
8	Demon
9	Giant
10	Vampire
11	God
12	[Animal Chart]-Men or -People

Animal Chart

Roll d10

1	Frog
2	Toad
3	Snake or Serpent
4	Bat
5	Hawk
6	Dog
7	Spider
8	Wolf
9	Bull
10	Wombat

Mission Accomplished

Standing on the deck of the Melnibonean battle barge, Arisaema Dracontium, Deep Thought announced to the slow clap of born creatives today that “major combat operations in the War against the GM Challenge are over.”

“In the Battle of the Essence of Role-Playing Games, Higher Calling has prevailed,” he added before leaping into a flying flaming chariot. “Because of you, gaming is more secure. Because of you, the tyrant, Cheap Community-Based Balderdash, has fallen, and D&D is free.”

A modest comment on the use of hyperbole.

We Believe In Nothing

“Your praiseworthy sense of personal dignity has given way,” remarked Bazarov phlegmatically, while Arkady was hot all over, and his eyes were flashing. “Our argument has gone too far; it's better to cut it short, I think. I shall be quite ready to agree with you,” he added, getting up, “when you bring forward a single institution in our present mode of life, in family or in social life, which does not call for complete and unqualified destruction.”

A little Turgenev for you, in case you cared a fig about were the Hill Cantons lined up in the flavor-of-the-month club's recent mini-culture-war (thanks, Scott). You know the groan-producing one with all the subject headers beating on the chest about heroes/anti-heroes, social contracts, nihilism and the like lining up against the other section of the club's acronym- and hype-heavy games (DCC RPG and LotFP WRP: Grindhouse). Those posts.  

Ugh, please go back to arguing about shields, so we nihilists can go back to subverting society--one roleplaying game at a time. Where's Hrü’ü when I need his inscrutable rear?

B is for Bandwagon

What? You say you haven't had enough of the A-Z blogging contest?

Time to start it all back up: over, and over, and over again like a bad Bill Murray movie.

Speaking of things that get stuck in your noggin whether you want them to or not, I caught this D&D-refic spoof of the ubiquitous hip-hop song, "Like a G6" by Far East Movement, over at Victor Raymond's blog.  

Random Chart for Lazy Blog Posts

Roll d6

1	[Cue the sound of the tundra wind.] You couldn't get your shit together sufficiently to even scrape together even a half-assed post. Get free roll on Real Life Chart B.
2	“Hot Elf Chick”. If I have to explain it, you forfeit a roll on this chart. -2 on next roll if you expend extra energy trying to put a clever or socially-meaningful twist on the post.
3	“Now class, Coach Hand is sick today, so we have this El Cid filmstrip to watch.” Post YouTube video, or Frazzeta picture if hard pressed. Bonus 1d4 lazy points if you remember that you posted it last year.
4	“PieLover over on Dexterity Armor Class Bonus blog...” Instead of writing that comment on someone else's page you just go ahead and post that badboy with a linkback as your own post for the day. +1 on Karmic rolls if it's a lower-traffic blog. -1 on next Lazy Day roll if more than one other blogger has posted likewise.
5	“What did Gary intend when he wrote Missile Fire Cover and Concealment Adjustments in the DMG?” Open preferred edition gamebook to random page. Quote extensively from said selection and top with open-ended questions. Eschew commentary and/or analysis over two sentences or post will polymorph into Not-So Lazy Post on a failed save against Petrification.
6	If you can still move your hand, roll again twice.

Chart additions and modifiers, dear readers?

[Editor's Note, this post on Zalchis is awesome.]

Top Five Worst Old School Gaming Blogs

Actual photo from the Happy Whisk

Time again for another High Fidelity top five list. Having felt entirely too positive last month, I will be switching back to the negative default setting of my Czech genes. After all, an optimist is just someone who thinks things can't get worst.

As I noted in my recent call-to-arms on writing more rigorous reviews, without more straight-shooting critique in our hobby we are finished. So with no further ado, the worst blogs of our hobby in today's Hall of Shame.

5. Underdark Gazette. What this blog comes down to is just a bottom-feeding info-dump. Hello? Like we can't be bothered to comb the Internet to read about the handful of vanity projects that happened over the last month in this so-called renaissance. The Hot Elf Chick lemming fad that James started had to be one of the lowest recent points in the OSR—literally responsible for chasing away the female half of my tabletop players group.

4. Lord of the Green Dragons. This guy claims that he knows more about how D&D came into being, what the intentions were, etc. etc. than us Gen X bloggers. Can you believe the arrogance? Particularly bad is the Cold Text series by Scottsz. Look, I went to graduate school, the last thing I need for my entertainment reading is posts documenting in minute detail the links of a second-rate tournament module to Meso-American culture fer chrissakes. To the dustbin of history with you...

3. Ostensible Cat. Leaving aside the whole pie thing and cross-dressing as a Elf Chick thing, this guy spends post after snooze-fest post talking about drawing, inking, and his dining room table no less (no joke). Man, just shut up and finish your commissions already.

2. Tie: Skull Crushing for Great Justice and Super Galactic Dreadnaughty. We play no favorites here in the HC. These two blogs rival each other in sheer wretchedness, thus we have a straight-up tie on our hands. The former with his juvenile nostalgia for playing D&D without any real comprehension of either the letter or the spirit of the rules as written; the latter for being the Rain Man of gaming blogs. Seriously, Desert Scribe, is it even possible that there is more to this hobby than a bunch of spaceship minis?

1. The Happy Whisk. Worst of the worst. Although Ivy Shorts technically doesn't run a gaming blog her husband, Tim of Gothridge Manor does, so close enough. Only read this blog if you have an extremely thick skin. One berating comment from the blogmaster here follows another--the snark overwhelms the tiny, fuzzy photos of...is that food?...so hard to tell with that graininess. Who would want to go anywhere near a dining table after reading this, no wonder Tim spends his time escaping into fantasy.

Honorable Mention: Ix . Please Lord, can't he just settle on one blog header picture?

[Editor's Note: Forgive me, dear reader, these omissions.]

Runner Up to Honorable Mention: Netherwerks. This would rank higher, however I couldn't figure out which of his many blogs to link to as worst.

Evil Beyond Measure: Porky's Expanse. 

Are Hot Elf Chicks Ruining D&D?

This is a bandwagon too fun not to climb on. 

And yes, hot Drow chicks are elves too. Racist.

Word of the Week

Found this one in a list of forgotten English words. Of immediate use at the gaming table and/or in situations involving self-described "grogs". 


Grog-blossom: A carbuncle, or pimple in the face, caused by drinking. 


Definition taken from The 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, originally by Francis Grose.

Some Barbaric Game

The Big Game is today and being played in Arlington, Texas no less, the town where I went through my Holmes D&D initiation rites (and a ton of other less-savory adolescent ones). 

In honor of our annual gala Superbowl/Anti-Superbowl soiree and the recent riff on things Planet Mongo over at Ix, I offer you the following video:

Second is Just First Place Loser

I was a little surprised, nay shocked, to learn that the Hill Cantons had come in second in Cyclopeatron's Hottest Blogs ranking. I mean how did our standards as a community fall so low?

You Know You Are Reading too Much M.A.R. Barker When...

...walking through your closest local park (this would be Hemisfair Park in San Antonio) and everything suddenly reminds you of Tekumel. Is that smell of musty cinnamon coming from the convention center?

...you see earth-shattering synchronicity in finding out that one of the blogs you admire published this very day a year ago snippets of one the documents you'd most like to see, the pre-TSR Empire of the Petal Throne rules, make it to print.

Maybe my next read after Lords of Tsamra shouldn't be The Book of Ebon Bindings after all?

Hill Cantons Forecast: Keyboards & Bathrobes to be America's Next Top RPG

You heard it first here, folks, but I predict that this hot new game from Doc Grognard will be sweeping the OSR by say 10:20 pm tonight. Hell, I've already played it three times today and never even changed out of my flannel pajamaramas.

On a more serious note, if you haven't already, you should check out Doc G's work on a Fantasy Traveller, a topic near and dear to my own heart.

Non-holiday (i.e. not-so lazy ass) posting to resume tomorrow.

They Say It's Your Birthday

Today I celebrate the second anniversary of my 39th birthday here in the labyrinth.

Who says blogging is an exercise in narcissism?

Keep on the Hyborian Borderlands?

For a good long while now I have been toying with doing a post about one of the giants of historical miniatures Tony Bath. Bath was one of the great popularizers of ancient and medieval wargaming in the 1960s and is remembered typically these days for running his long-standing Hyborian campaign, a years-long miniatures campaign that had strong proto-rpg elements.

Next week I will be doing a fuller analysis of Bath's Setting Up a Wargames Campaign with an eye to looking at it as a snapshot of the stew of ideas that were floating around the late 1960s and early 1970s—and of course how they came to influence (or evolve in parallel to) our own great game.

But today I wanted to leave you with this uncanny similarity I noticed today when starting to prepare next week's post. The first picture below should be familiar to many of our readers as the mini-setting map of B2: Keep on the Borderlands.

Now check out the second map from Bath's book (this would be a border fort in the Hyborian campaign). Also keep in mind that this is from a book printed in May 1973, while the former went to press in December 1979. Hmm...

Tsathoggua Awakens From His Slumber

"They’ve been inside the earth, too — there are openings which human beings know nothing of — some of them are in these very Vermont hills — and great worlds of unknown life down there; blue-litten K’n-yan, red-litten Yoth, and black, lightless N'kai. It’s from N’kai that frightful Tsathoggua came — you know, the amorphous, toad-like god-creature mentioned in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon and the Commoriom myth-cycle preserved by the Atlantean high-priest Klarkash-Ton."

—H. P. Lovecraft, "The Whisperer in Darkness"

Hobbit, the Musical

After reading Troll and Flame's recent post on movies for gamers, my head suddenly inexplicably was filled with a tune from childhood. You know the kind, it plays over and over in an annoying loop until you just have to roll with that. That song would be from that great (and eminently scary) scene from the cartoon version of the Hobbit in which the warg-riding goblins chase the wee ones up a tree.

Hunting down the vid on YouTube, I was struck by how much this cartoon and its bad/good brother "The Return of the King" had an influence on my own idea of what fantasy was as a kid. For years I thought of D&D elves as somewhat sinister-looking gray-green creatures; dwarves as skinny somewhat mischievous obsessives; and orcs as oppressed draftees.

Where there is a whip, there is a way...